| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009 |
| 11:16 pm |
Part of me says its time to fucking grow up. Another part of me just isnt ready to stop having fun. The last part of me is scared shitless in the corner of a dark room afraid to move. |
| Sunday, September 21st, 2008 |
| 1:42 am |
For this first time today I thought that moving out to Arizona like this was a mistake. I feel like i have very few opportunities to meet new people here. Thats so weird considering theres 50 thousand kids in my age group in the area. I realized though that this makes everyone anonymous and you pretty much never get to know anyone. So right now im banking on Nicole to be my tie into a group of friends here since frisbee really isnt helping me out as i had hoped. I hate myself for starting to smoke again but i'm not gonna try to stop until i'm more comfortable here. I'm just to awkward if i cant smoke in social situations in which i dont know anyone, which are the only situations i find myself in nowadays. I forgot what i was gonna say here. I feel very uneasy at the moment. Goodnight. Current Mood:  distressed |
| Sunday, May 18th, 2008 |
| 9:43 pm |
Why can i never have crushes on girls that i have a chance with? |
| Thursday, April 17th, 2008 |
| 12:14 am |
She was the best thing for me back then. Now she haunts me everywhere I go. I have no idea what to do with you, you're not even here yet you wont go away. I don't want to care but I do. I don't know what I would do if anything were to ever happen to you; Turn myself in I guess. |
| Monday, March 24th, 2008 |
| 9:21 am |
I wouldnt change a single thing that has ever happened to me until this weekend. Now I would do anything to redo this trainwreck of an event. |
| Sunday, March 16th, 2008 |
| 3:56 am |
I stand in the shadow of my own downfall waiting for it to reign down upon myself waiting for the savior that will never come. |
| Friday, February 22nd, 2008 |
| 10:18 pm |
I'm falling apart. Stress is takings its toll on my body, going to get blood work done tomorrow is proof of that in itself. I'm probably going back into therapy again... I'm so torn with what to do with myself. I have doubts that what i believe is just fun recreational drug use is slowly turning into psychological addiction. Its my cure all, my safety blanket, my spiritual guidance, my best friend. My downfall. More and more I draw up into myself, leaving the world around me to itself. At times i want nothing to do with anything but myself, yet i yearn to be close to someone. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide to so i turn to this fucking journal. It says a lot about the state of my life when my confidant is a fucking website. I feel like i could be happy if i lived alone in the wilderness in a log cabin. Like my only aspirations are forced because of how the world expects you to think. I feel that if anyone knew the things i truly believed in they would be afraid of what i would do if ever given the chance. Hopefully the ice will calm me humans are done evolving unless a majority of the worlds population dies or a global catastrophe happens the north american union will be a step closer to fixing this world a one world government is a necessary evil that must be set up, just to be torn down |
| Tuesday, January 29th, 2008 |
| 1:10 am |
2 interests again... of course. neither of which or even remotely serious, but one can dream. doctor tomorrow, later rather. i'm afraid of what he can tell me. i'm afraid of what he can't. |
| Friday, January 25th, 2008 |
| 4:54 pm |
I'm addicted to being an addict. Will you be my next addiction? |
| Sunday, January 6th, 2008 |
| 3:47 am |
I only like girls I don't know. They're more exciting. |
| Saturday, December 22nd, 2007 |
| 4:44 pm |
I've never felt so betrayed by a girl before. I can't stop thinking about her and how bad I want to forget her already. I don't even know how to deal with this. |
| Saturday, December 15th, 2007 |
| 4:10 am |
Instead of going home to start off a nice vacation I get to go home to a funeral. Suits always fit worse while going to a funeral. |
| Friday, December 14th, 2007 |
| 12:45 pm |
Almost done with my finals. I did terrible in two of my classes but on the other hand i got like an A in all my other classes so... Just one more 5p paper for world art. |
| Tuesday, November 13th, 2007 |
| 1:54 am |
I need someone to just hang out with on a daily basis that I can trust and talk to. Why can't I get anything in my life to the point I want it? I'd settle for just being comfortable but I can't even manage that. My life is on a steady decline and its awful. I really need to just go ice skating. |
| Monday, November 5th, 2007 |
| 2:00 pm |
Where are my friends at? No seriously. I figured now that I'm in the city and living only a few blocks away from my best friend we would hang out almost as much as when we're home and live down the street from each other. It's a day before his birthday and I've hung out with him briefly like twice and seen him in passing only a few times more. Damnit Taylor where the fuck are you? |
| Thursday, October 25th, 2007 |
| 10:01 am |
I swear to god if this happens one more time I'm never talking to anyone again. I meet one person and say a relationship is not an option, then I meet someone else that I can really enjoy being with. Then the situation gets complicated 'cause they have all the same classes live in the same building and both have feelings for me. Normally a guy would never complain about having the affection of two girls, but I don't want to just play around with them, I want a relationship. And I can't do this while both are still in the picture and I can't make the decision because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Fuck me Current Music: Say Anything |
| Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 |
| 5:29 pm |
This is going to be the most random entry i have ever made. Don't bother reading it unless you want to hear me ramble on about random things i think of from day to day. A utopian society cannot rely upon a capitalist framework. Its based too much on personal gain. I'm afraid one day I'm going to wake up and not remember anything that led up to that point. Not just the normal binge drinking blackout, but a full blown memory erase. I'm slowly coming to learn that I don't remember a lot of my past. I either never remembered it in the first place or its all fading away. I'm also afraid this is due to over use of marijuana... There are a few options for this situation: a. write everything down b. quit smoking I guess thats it on that subject. I went home last weekend and didn't tell my parents I was home. It felt like i had run away from home and that I didn't have a place to call 'home' anymore. It scared me. I'm also running out of money. I need a job really bad, but at the same time I have little to no time to go look for a job. I have no idea what I'm doing. I shouldn't even really be a GD major. I want to do Industrial Design but I can't. It would be too much trouble, money, time. I just can't do it. I'm being robbed by living in new res. $11K is not appropriate for what I live in. To make it even worse everyone in my suite has never had to clean up after themselves and leave the entire place looking horribly disgusting. This is one of the most uncomfortable times of my life. Running out of money, running out of time, living in a continuosly disgusting enviornment. Everything is closing in so fast. Im practically at full speed but the collapse is catching up and to make things worse winter is coming. FUCK ME. The government scares me now. Not the bullshit they put on the news and stuff, I'm talking about what really goes on. Bush doesn't run this country and its obvious, so who does? My roommate is a fucking moron. He apparently has no idea whats going on around him or how to handle many situations. He will say the most unapropriate things at the worst times. People in general around me now seem never to understand whats going on around them and that is what led to having RA's come into two suites I was in. Fucking Idiots. Either way I got out of trouble both times so it worked out for me. I've had a cigarette burn on my arm for almost 2 weeks now because I keep ripping the scab off. Everyone thinks the scab is disgusting but I can't stop doing it. I have always ripped them off and I probably always will. I have and addictive personality in the sense that as soon as I like something I want as much of it as I can get. Moderation means nothing to me. This will probably kill me one day. I will not succeed until I fail. Fail completely. Rock bottom. Once I can finally know that the safety net is gone I will become my own person. If you hate someone and they love you, should you tell them? Is it worse to just pretend you could be friends? This is depressing me and it did not go in the direction I thought it was going to. Current Mood:  disappointedCurrent Music: Flashing Lights |
| Friday, August 17th, 2007 |
| 8:00 pm |
Why can't I meet any fucking single girls? Everyone is always like 'well I have a boyfriend but i'm not that into him anymore'. WTF. Then stop going out so that I can meet single girls. Is this so much to ask? Just break up with the boyfriends you don't like and then come hang out with me. ok? Current Music: Maylene |
| Sunday, August 12th, 2007 |
| 12:07 am |
I'm so fucked. I don't know if I'm living in the city anymore. I'm so fucked. Goodbye. |
| Saturday, August 11th, 2007 |
| 3:02 am |
Good night out with the boys. In the big picture of life I hope these friends will always be there. |
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