urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue colortheskyblue colortheskyblue 2009-02-04T04:18:18Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:28948 2009-02-04T04:18:18Z 2009-02-04T04:18:18Z Part of me says its time to fucking grow up. Another part of me just isnt ready to stop having fun. The last part of me is scared shitless in the corner of a dark room afraid to move. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:28685 2008-09-21T08:50:34Z 2008-09-21T08:50:34Z For this first time today I thought that moving out to Arizona like this was a mistake.<br />I feel like i have very few opportunities to meet new people here. Thats so weird considering theres 50 thousand kids in my age group in the area. I realized though that this makes everyone anonymous and you pretty much never get to know anyone. So right now im banking on Nicole to be my tie into a group of friends here since frisbee really isnt helping me out as i had hoped. <br />I hate myself for starting to smoke again but i'm not gonna try to stop until i'm more comfortable here. I'm just to awkward if i cant smoke in social situations in which i dont know anyone, which are the only situations i find myself in nowadays. <br />I forgot what i was gonna say here. I feel very uneasy at the moment.<br />Goodnight. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:28511 2008-05-19T01:43:42Z 2008-05-19T01:43:42Z Why can i never have crushes on girls that i have a chance with? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:28276 2008-04-17T04:17:22Z 2008-04-17T04:17:22Z She was the best thing for me back then.<br />Now she haunts me everywhere I go.<br />I have no idea what to do with you, you're not even here yet you wont go away.<br />I don't want to care but I do.<br />I don't know what I would do if anything were to ever happen to you;<br />Turn myself in I guess. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:28095 2008-03-24T13:24:14Z 2008-03-24T13:24:14Z I wouldnt change a single thing that has ever happened to me until this weekend. Now I would do anything to redo this trainwreck of an event. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:27750 2008-03-16T07:57:06Z 2008-03-16T07:57:06Z I stand in the shadow of my own downfall waiting for it to reign down upon myself waiting for the savior that will never come. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:27602 2008-02-23T03:31:36Z 2008-02-23T03:31:36Z I'm falling apart. Stress is takings its toll on my body, going to get blood work done tomorrow is proof of that in itself. I'm probably going back into therapy again...<br />I'm so torn with what to do with myself. I have doubts that what i believe is just fun recreational drug use is slowly turning into psychological addiction. Its my cure all, my safety blanket, my spiritual guidance, my best friend. My downfall. More and more I draw up into myself, leaving the world around me to itself. At times i want nothing to do with anything but myself, yet i yearn to be close to someone. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide to so i turn to this fucking journal. It says a lot about the state of my life when my confidant is a fucking website. I feel like i could be happy if i lived alone in the wilderness in a log cabin. Like my only aspirations are forced because of how the world expects you to think. I feel that if anyone knew the things i truly believed in they would be afraid of what i would do if ever given the chance. <br />Hopefully the ice will calm me<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />humans are done evolving unless a majority of the worlds population dies or a global catastrophe happens<br />the north american union will be a step closer to fixing this world<br />a one world government is a necessary evil that must be set up, just to be torn down urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:27171 2008-01-29T06:12:55Z 2008-01-29T06:12:55Z 2 interests again...<br />of course.<br />neither of which or even remotely serious, but one can dream.<br />doctor tomorrow, later rather. i'm afraid of what he can tell me.<br />i'm afraid of what he can't. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:26891 2008-01-25T21:54:54Z 2008-01-25T21:54:54Z I'm addicted to being an addict.<br />Will you be my next addiction? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:26757 2008-01-06T08:48:03Z 2008-01-06T08:48:03Z I only like girls I don't know. They're more exciting. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:26440 2007-12-22T21:45:21Z 2007-12-22T21:45:21Z I've never felt so betrayed by a girl before. I can't stop thinking about her and how bad I want to forget her already. I don't even know how to deal with this. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:26225 2007-12-15T09:11:45Z 2007-12-15T09:11:45Z Instead of going home to start off a nice vacation I get to go home to a funeral.<br />Suits always fit worse while going to a funeral. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:25910 2007-12-14T17:46:33Z 2007-12-14T17:46:33Z Almost done with my finals.<br />I did terrible in two of my classes but on the other hand i got like an A in all my other classes so...<br />Just one more 5p paper for world art. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:25813 2007-11-13T06:56:51Z 2007-11-13T06:56:51Z I need someone to just hang out with on a daily basis that I can trust and talk to.<br />Why can't I get anything in my life to the point I want it?<br />I'd settle for just being comfortable but I can't even manage that.<br />My life is on a steady decline and its awful. I really need to just go ice skating. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:25369 2007-11-05T19:02:46Z 2007-11-05T19:02:46Z Where are my friends at? No seriously. I figured now that I'm in the city and living only a few blocks away from my best friend we would hang out almost as much as when we're home and live down the street from each other. It's a day before his birthday and I've hung out with him briefly like twice and seen him in passing only a few times more. Damnit Taylor where the fuck are you? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:25263 2007-10-25T14:04:16Z 2007-10-25T14:04:16Z Say Anything I swear to god if this happens one more time I'm never talking to anyone again.<br />I meet one person and say a relationship is not an option, then I meet someone else that I can really enjoy being with. Then the situation gets complicated 'cause they have all the same classes live in the same building and both have feelings for me. Normally a guy would never complain about having the affection of two girls, but I don't want to just play around with them, I want a relationship. And I can't do this while both are still in the picture and I can't make the decision because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Fuck me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:24714 2007-10-10T22:04:13Z 2007-10-10T22:04:13Z Flashing Lights This is going to be the most random entry i have ever made. Don't bother reading it unless you want to hear me ramble on about random things i think of from day to day.<br /><br /><br /><br />A utopian society cannot rely upon a capitalist framework. Its based too much on personal gain.<br /><br />I'm afraid one day I'm going to wake up and not remember anything that led up to that point. Not just the normal binge drinking blackout, but a full blown memory erase. I'm slowly coming to learn that I don't remember a lot of my past. I either never remembered it in the first place or its all fading away. I'm also afraid this is due to over use of marijuana...<br />There are a few options for this situation:<br />a. write everything down<br />b. quit smoking<br />I guess thats it on that subject.<br /><br /><br />I went home last weekend and didn't tell my parents I was home. It felt like i had run away from home and that I didn't have a place to call 'home' anymore. It scared me.<br /><br />I'm also running out of money. I need a job really bad, but at the same time I have little to no time to go look for a job. I have no idea what I'm doing.<br />I shouldn't even really be a GD major. I want to do Industrial Design but I can't. It would be too much trouble, money, time. I just can't do it.<br />I'm being robbed by living in new res. $11K is not appropriate for what I live in. To make it even worse everyone in my suite has never had to clean up after themselves and leave the entire place looking horribly disgusting.<br /><br />This is one of the most uncomfortable times of my life. Running out of money, running out of time, living in a continuosly disgusting enviornment. Everything is closing in so fast. Im practically at full speed but the collapse is catching up and to make things worse winter is coming. FUCK ME. <br /><br /><br />The government scares me now. Not the bullshit they put on the news and stuff, I'm talking about what really goes on. Bush doesn't run this country and its obvious, so who does? <br /><br />My roommate is a fucking moron. He apparently has no idea whats going on around him or how to handle many situations. He will say the most unapropriate things at the worst times. People in general around me now seem never to understand whats going on around them and that is what led to having RA's come into two suites I was in. Fucking Idiots. Either way I got out of trouble both times so it worked out for me.<br /><br />I've had a cigarette burn on my arm for almost 2 weeks now because I keep ripping the scab off. Everyone thinks the scab is disgusting but I can't stop doing it. I have always ripped them off and I probably always will. <br /><br /><br />I have and addictive personality in the sense that as soon as I like something I want as much of it as I can get. Moderation means nothing to me. This will probably kill me one day.<br /><br />I will not succeed until I fail. Fail completely. Rock bottom. Once I can finally know that the safety net is gone I will become my own person.<br /><br />If you hate someone and they love you, should you tell them? Is it worse to just pretend you could be friends? <br /><br />This is depressing me and it did not go in the direction I thought it was going to. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:24468 2007-08-18T00:08:54Z 2007-08-18T00:08:54Z Maylene Why can't I meet any fucking single girls?<br />Everyone is always like 'well I have a boyfriend but i'm not that into him anymore'.<br />WTF. Then stop going out so that I can meet single girls. Is this so much to ask?<br />Just break up with the boyfriends you don't like and then come hang out with me. ok? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:24277 2007-08-12T04:14:18Z 2007-08-12T04:14:18Z I'm so fucked.<br />I don't know if I'm living in the city anymore.<br />I'm so fucked.<br />Goodbye. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:24008 2007-08-11T07:10:30Z 2007-08-11T07:10:30Z Good night out with the boys.<br />In the big picture of life I hope these friends will always be there. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:23716 2007-08-09T06:51:46Z 2007-08-09T06:51:46Z So I have no money and once I get to school I'm gonna have even less.<br />I need someone to push me in the right direction. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:23296 2007-07-28T19:47:03Z 2007-07-28T19:47:03Z Once again I have a crush on 2 girls at once. And to make things worse theyre both friends and we always end up hanging out together. Then theres a remaining crush from a little while back that still hasn't gone away. Not like i ever see her but i probably should. <br />I'm not gonna do anything with any of these girls unless they push for it cause i'm leaving in less than a month and I really don't want to deal with any bullshit.<br /><br /><br /><br />ps. I love my new bowl. I need to get a bong now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:23249 2007-07-24T05:03:20Z 2007-07-24T05:03:20Z I wrote an essay on manners today.<br />It wasn't very long but it got to the point.<br />I lost the notes.<br />I only care that I wrote it and not what it was.<br />It felt good to write something again <br />...so I guess I'm gonna come back to these notes.<br />Welcome Back. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:22946 2007-06-04T04:08:09Z 2007-06-04T04:08:09Z Last night was great. Got to see my friends from school in their huge new apartment.<br />It was so good to actually see my roommate again, he's still one of the best if not the best person to get high with because its just so funny. But apparently not everyone is cut out for drinking and smoking as I found out last night. After a full afternoon and night of drinking and smoking I was just gonna smoke 1 last bowl for the night then head in and I smoked up 2 other kids. Little did I know that both of them were already at their limit for drinking and within 20 min both of them were throwing up. GJ chris. And to make it even worse one of those people was a girl I had been talking with all night so theres goes any chance with that for the night. Of course as soon as I leave the burg I find a girl there that could be worth it, we talked for at least an hour and a half outside before they called us back in. I cant talk to anyone about anything for more than 10min normally.<br />Im done for the night. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:colortheskyblue:22544 2007-05-31T16:26:44Z 2007-05-31T22:16:48Z I'm becoming increasingly worried that I'm not gonna end up going to SVA next semester. Right now I'm having trouble with my student loans and I might just not be able to afford it. And now because of this my dad isn't letting me do anything until the whole situation is fixed, which means ruining my birthday weekend possibly.<br />I'm just going to have to disappear from my house if he decides to be and ass. <br />Ok I have to run back to work now.<br /><br /><br /><br />So I was supposed to go to Circa but now I cant cause my dad decided to be a fucking douchebag again. Why the fuck can't he just let me live my life and not ruin every chance i get to have some fun? <br />Sorry.